My journey

I never took mental health seriously until my mental health deteriorated. I had my issues but I felt I was doing well. But around 25 I experienced racism like i have never experienced it before and it left me feeling destrot, betrayed and dissolutioned. As a person who is idealistic, a student of justice studies and a believer in God this did not make since. Humans come in different varieties. My psyche broke and with no way to reconcile the reality of racism with my beliefs. ( I was naive) I decided to drink and smoke, a lot. I tried to talk to others but I was told "thats just the way it is" I could not accept that. But obviously I did not know how to handle it either.  

About 7 years went by and everytime I thought of the situation I chose to drink or smoke or both. I didn't know how to stop and my body began to break down. Eventually I developed severe atopic dermatitis all over my entire body and my skin literally flacked and fell off my body from head to toe. I hated myself and I had deep hatred in my heart towards other people. 

The picture on the top is the day I decided to change my life I thought I was going to die and honestlyI wantes to die. But I felt something in me that would not allow me to give up. I started first by changing my diet and walking more. That helped a lot but I was still emotionally tied to my thoughts that led me to drinking. I decided rehab would be the best thing to help me and boy was I in for a surprise.

When I went to rehab I learned so much about my emotions and I finally spoke to a therapist (thank you!) And I felt so much better. I was able to forgive and detach my emotions from those negative thoughs. But the thing that really opened my eyes was how the facility operated. Overall the group leaders and teacher were amazing. But I learned in class that the recidivism rate was 66%. Which is pretty high, it was also explained to us during class that the reason why the recidivism rate is so high is because of habitual cigarettes smoking, because it leads to drinking. Oddly enough during our mid class break a staff member came into our room and asked if anyone wanted cigarettes because they were going to buy some from the store. Somethings not right.

Toward the end of my stay I learned that the owner yelled at and was demeaning towards the other patients. I was infuriated. But, I was in the middle of nowhere and the facility had my wallet and clothes. (You have to surrender those things when you enter) so I decided to keep my mouth shut. 

The time came for me to leave, I was one day away from going home a new me. The owner talked with our class asking if there was anything he could do to improve the program. My hand shot up. 

I said " I learned from youclass that the reason why people keep coming back to rehad is because of smoking. So why do you give people cigarettes here?"

With his head down he said "if I didn't we would only be at 20% capacity" My blood boiled. 

I learned why my mental health and the mental health of others is so important.

Our system will make money off your pain, that is a bad business mondel

After I left I wanted to do something different with my life. Over this past month I learned that people tend to "find themselves" by being in nature. I thought it sounded interesting, I like nature but I had never considered it anything more than a few trees and patches of grass at best a park. So I decided to test it out and see what this nature stuff was all about. I started by staring at a few trees while I ate breakfast. My initial plan was to spend 5 minutes a day observing nature.

 As I began to participate in normal life again I was confronted with unforseen consequences of my actions. I was flat broke and  wanted to finish some projects I had started, but with all of my resources drained bone dry I was out of options. I was so sad I didn't know what to do so I decided to walk. I went to my local park and walked by the river. It was a warm day in early November, the sky was blue. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, the park was the familiar brown and green, that half way point of the fall before the trees fully shed their leaves. I looked at the river here on the northside of Chicago.  I saw the sun glimmering off the water. It was such a beautiful sight. I thought "why have i never noticed this before" this is where my journey started.

I went back to the river again and again everyday for 13 months straight. I watched fall turn into spring and spring to summer and summer back to fall. I watched the passage of time for a year.

Each season had its beauties and hardships.

I learned to sit, wait, watch and my body healed as my body healed 

To sit watching the natural world was my lifestyle change while I waited and provide the right environment for my body to heal. I learned that plants have an immune system and when humans breathe in phytoncides (plant immune system) it boostes our system for 30 days.

Now that I am better I want to do this with others, sit, wait, walk and provide the best environment for your healing whether physical or emotional through spending time in natural environments
 

I only share to give others hope.